Feelings and doubt

Are "feelings" really that short-lived these days? Or was it simply overrated? For a start, it could have confirmed my doubts because i thought i was overreacting initially. Have anything you said or done ever been real before? Or was it all just an act? Why are you doing this? Did the past 1 month means anything to you, at all? There were just too much mysteries surrounding you that i can't help but continue to wonder.

During this past short month, i might have acted a little bit cold at times, acted like i didn't care, might have seemingly ignored things you said that i had, in actual, engraved in my heart. It hurts.. you know, for not being able to return these feelings freely; not because i did not want to, but because i resisted. You could say that i think too much, but seriously, i don't care. If possible, I just wanted to take away all your burdens so that you do not have a single worry for the rest of your life.

Honestly, I was amazed, how could one mere month left a mark like that in me, although it wasn't as deep as i feared it would be, fortunately; but still enough for me to stop and think, to pen my thought which i don't usually do. Everything that i did, i did for a reason; I just wanted to know if you really like me for who i am, and not because of what i do or say. You know, i don't want to be just another guy who happened to pass through in your life.

However, it just get harder to resist the more and the longer i know you. In another word, i can't help but keep liking you more and more. It may sounds stupid to you, but personally i think this is the only way answer certain things that i needed to know, if there was any. Indeed, it did prove something, which i was still hoping that it'll turn out to be wrong one day.

Sure, you are not perfect in many ways. But, so am I. Don't get me wrong, but these flaws are what making you so unique and attractive i find it hard not to like. If you ask me, i'd rather want you to keep them than trying to be somebody you are not. We are human; human make mistakes, there's no stopping to it, but....as long as we are willing to learn from it, it will never be the end of the world.

It was so close, yet so far away. I had a few plans in mind. I was starting to think that you'd make a good partner and i do seriously think that you have everything it takes to be someone who could settle down one day, as opposed to what you might have thought of yourself. I genuinely would like to start that journey with you. Sadly, it didn't happen. Maybe there were simply too much incompatibilities between us.

Or maybe, nothing has even started at all in the first place...

All in all, the best word to describe the experiences that I've had when we were "together" would be.....to put it simply, priceless. Maybe not as much to you as it was to me. For me, it's an another eyes opener after so long and for that, i am eternally grateful for your presence in my life, even though it's only temporary. May you find "the one" soon and live the life that you have always wanted, i knew you would. Remember to always cherish what you have, because when it's gone you'd wish that you could turn back time.

I do really hope that you read this, although it's very unlikely. Because if you do, it only means that another doubt of mine has been disproved.

Regardless, don't work too hard and remember to always take good care of yourself!

*Hugs*

and remember to drink enough water as well =)

Roccat Kave

Roccat Kave, a German products, such a rarity here in Singapore...shame, i spent so much time looking for this monster but to avail. Finally, i got this from Malaysia for about..RM300 i think. To put it simply, you will NEVER get a better 5.1 surround headphone than Kave at this kind of price, heck, or even at a higher price for that matter. Nuff said. No time for a review, but trust me, you can hardly go wrong with this pair of babies monsters, from its build quality to sound quality, i must say it's a technological marvel :)

OBS Day XIII

Here's my next journal entry for my OBS, and this time it's on the Day 13 which was also the first day of my solo camp. So keep in mind that the photos are rather limited for these few days as we were not allowed to carry anything else apart from the necessities which happened to be, insufficient as well. The reason why these photos exist was because of some alien spy who took our picture discreetly and then tried to abduct us at night.

Day 13 - Solo Camp Day 1

Today, morning run was cancelled as not to wear us out for the solo camp later. Great news! Best morning ever. After breakfast, we finalized our packing stuff and moved out to each assigned camp spot.

Stuff that's allowed to be brought to the camp. Yea, it's pretty limited, oh minus the torchlight. Don't know which idiot wrote that :P

The pattern of the camp site choice were such that, everyone were kind of laid out in a continuous line separated probably about 50m away from each other. Yea, it's not that far but at night, you won't feel that way. Worst of all, i was placed at the end of the line which means there wouldn't be anybody after me. Geez..creepy.

Getting excited about going soloooooo!

We were given very limited range survival items and the only source of light during the night time was a piece of candles and few matches (yea, only few, like less than 10 pieces), which i am using now to write this journal. I supposed the candle could last for 2-3 hours of continuous burning but i have to put it out soon since i had already used half of it and i had to save the rest for tomorrow's night! and oh!, torchlight was a prohibited item in case you were wondering why was i being so dumb. I have a long night ahead of me and i don't really know what to do.

I do not have a freaking watch since it's confiscated as well. However, i would guess that it's around 8pm now. Heck, maybe i should just sleep, save the troubles, save the candles. WHOOPS! I've already used more than half of the candle now. Better blow it out! Ciao!

Individual solo tent pic that was taken by the above mentioned alien spy. and if you are wondering where is mine, good news! i'm keeping it until my next entry because it's somewhat..embarassing. LOL! As you can see, some are pretty well done though, damn you people with experience and brain.

Days Left : 8
Mood : Relaxed

Rewind (Continued..)

-19 years ago-

7 years old - Primary 1

Just when i was about to get comfy with my kindergarten life, things got changed again. However, it's for the worse. I had a new school, and it was no longer around the corner of the next street. All my friends which i had worked so hard to gain their trust were gone. I was introduced to something new, something i didn't like; school buses. New uniform, new shoes, new books. I was back to square one. Everything seems so strange to me.

Of course, once again i was accompanied by my mum to the school on my first day. I was shocked to see that the school was so much bigger, even the class itself was 'huge', there were even more people. As usual, i started showing the usual sign, threatening to make a 'scene' if my she were to leave me. I was in the class, there were so much chatter, and yet, i was focused only on one thing; my mum outside overlooking through the windows, smiling as usual and waving at me, hinting that i was going to be alright.

I wasn't. And for that moment, i thought i was the only person in the entire class who cried like there were no tomorrow. Everybody stared at me, and it didn't helped. My mum came in, and consoled me, i insisted that she stayed. She said that i would make new friends and that she couldn't be there for me the entire days. It took a little convincing before i finally sort of settled down, yet still on the verge of bursting into tears if i were upset, like a ticking timebomb.

Eventually, she left. First lesson this time was coloring lesson. I confidently whipped out my shining new Staedtler Luna 12 color pencils. There was a coloring book, and i kind of painted everything in brown, the chairs, cupboard, the skies, cloud, and even the people. I didn't quite understand why but i thought i was having some sort of mental breakdown. My teacher walked past through me, surprised and told me that it could more colorful than that, and that i should try to seek for help from my friends.

I turned to my side, there was this another kid who was painting effortlessly with his brand new Luna color pencils as well, only that it was a 36 color set! Wow, i thought! That's a lot of colors, i looked again at my own Luna 12, feeling slightly inferior now, not so confident anymore. I could already felt that the time bomb is ticking quicker. I was green with envy. I asked if i could use some of his color pencils (which i didn't have) to help with my coloring. Guess what? He refused! That's it! I exploded, almost literally. What an arrogant piece of $@#()$*!)@$*.

Win










Lose




It was pretty chaotic for a while, with my classroom teacher trying to calm me down. My mum wasn't there anymore. I was pretty sure that arrogant brat felt really guilty after what he did to me, and decided to lend me a hand in the end. At the end of the day, we became friends :)

Rewind

All of a sudden, my mind drifted back to my good old childhood days. While i tried to recall as many of those fond (and some not so fond) memories as possible, without realizing it, i found that I'm smiling to myself as those thought filled my mind thinking how sweet yet silly it really was back then.

-20 years ago-

6 years old - Kindergarten


Oh no, today is the day i have to leave and be away from home for the very first time for school. I do not like this at all, not even one bit! How far was my school then, one would ask? Well, it is just at one of those houses in the next street around the corner. Yes, it's just some 10mins walk away, maybe 5. My mum even promised to send me to the school that morning and would be back on time to pick me up at noon, not one minute late! Still, i am not convinced, my body and my feet felt heavy as i dragged myself onto the back of the bicycle, ready to be "chauffeured" to the school by my mum. Even the brand spanking new uniform feels like everything else except comfortable.

Will i be able to make new friends?

Will i see ever my mum again?

Can i ever go home again?

What if....?

All these thought flooded my already stressed out little brain. I started to sob as i entered through the gate, refused to let go of my mum. She reassured me, but it only made the situation worse. I started to cry, wanting to be pampered and told that everything is gonna be alright. After a few pushes, i finally gave in.

I saw many other cheerful kids who were around my age at that time. Everybody seems to have their own circle of friends, except me. I felt really left out since i was kind of shy and do not usually approach other kids to make friends. I remember very vividly that my very first "lesson" was clay shaping, also more fondly known as the plasticine class. That's when i would loosened up a little bit and became less paranoid because it was a so fun i wish every period would be the same. Of course, it wasn't.

I finally made some friends towards the end of first day and to my surprise, i found that the boys and the girls had their respective groups and does not really get along with each other. This was when the infamous "hmph, i don wan fren you" threat was first encountered. I often find myself getting distracted and depressed after getting those remarks and soon i found myself working really hard to gain recognition and acceptance from the others. I was worried that nobody wanted to befriend me, and that i would end up being left alone. Everything seems.... so fragile. There were even once that i went and literally beg them not "outcast" me and yes, i cried when they refused to listen to my plead. It went on for a few days when they finally "accepted" me into their group. Yes, it might sounds trivial now, but trust me, it wasn't the case for me, or any other kids of my age for that matter. It was that bad :(

Of course, eventually i grew adapted to the new environment and since then, there have been so many events (most of which i couldn't remember) took place. The sport day, ABC classes, the mandarin classes with homeworks involving unending repetition of chinese characters writing, math,recess time (where i brought sandwiches made by my mum in a little squarish tupperwares, it was pretty decent), occasionally envious of other who got better homemade breakfast.

While i've enjoyed the better most of my kindergarten days, i must say that the thing that I had always look forward to the most everyday was for my mum to show up, smiling at the gate to fetch me home. I would always charge at her energetically like a mad bull whenever i see her. Best of all, she had never failed to show up on time! Early, sometimes. Late, never once.


to be continued...

Four Hungry Mobs (one noob) vs Manhattan Fish Market

People say that a hungry mob is an angry mob. However, there were four of us and yet none of us were angry as far as i can see (albeit a bit pissed off that our food came a little "late"). This was what happened when 4 hungry mobs (i'm one of them) stormed into The Manhattan Fish Market. Well, I can only say that i felt sorry for the fish, squids, prawns and mushiesss and even the lemons.

Before...

2x Manhattan's Fisherman Fried Platter

15mins later...
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after....

Seriously, i swore there's nothing more satisfying than this. Omnomnomnomnomnomnmnnom...

and the cost???

Totally made my day!

Yes, a very random video which i found in the scrapyard (was shot during good old uni days when we had nothing better to do and decided to pull some pranks on one of our beloved housemate) and is at least 4 years old now. But hey, it totally made my day watching this! Simply priceless!

Location : Home
Time : Unknown

Credits goes to :
gh3yliam (Cameraman/Producer)
Myself (Co-producer)
"Mother"(Victim)

p/s - if the Victim happened to drop by and see this, i hope you'll accept it with an open mind. Otherwise, please let me know to have it removed if it offended you in any way:P